Savannah Smiles

As my first post I just want to explain the title of this blog. "Savannah Smiles" is an old movie, well not like that old - I'm pretty sure it's in color, that is about a young girl named Savannah. Whenever someone asked me my favorite movie, I would say this one because the main girl has my same name. As conceited as this sounds, I'm pretty sure this is the only reason why I liked this movie. I realize now how ironic the title of this movie is in describing my overall outlook. People used to tell me that I was always smiling, that they could never imagine me angry or upset. After reading some of my later blogs you may find it amusing to revisit this assertion (I know I find it hilarious.)

The truth is that I'm not one of those depressed girls who hates their lives. I love my life, and I would not switch it for any other. But to think that I don't have my problems, my moments of hysterics, times when my friends ask me if I am depressed and my mother sends me to a therapist, is pure lunacy. My childhood is nothing special, and should not be glorified as such. Sure, I have my stories, ones that others seem to regard as out of the ordinary. I was suicidal when I was 8, robbed by my babysitter who was secretly a lesbian prostitute when I was 10, sexually assaulted when I was 12, my dad became depressed when I was about 14 and started taking heavy anti-depressants, he then moved out when I was 16, my 3 best friends became depressed, anorexic and one had a father go to prison when I was 17 and then I developed anorexia the summer after I turned eighteen and haven't gotten my period in 5 months. Oh and in my life I have seen five therapists. There. Big picture. I want to lay this all out on the line because I don't believe in secrets. I don't need to hide any of this because these things don't define who I am. You can judge me, think I'm one of those crazy girls who starts a blog to let out their suppressed anger at the world. The real reason I started this blog because I recently discovered that I love to write. I feel free when I'm writing - so maybe in that sense this blog is a selfish way for me to feel good about myself. I'm a talker. My mom could tell you that I started talking when I was 6 months old and haven't shut up since. For once I will not censor my writing, not try to organize it in any way, shape or form. What happens, happens. That's the way my life has been so far and I think it's turned out okay (I mean all things considered.) 

With that, I will end my first blog. I would like to say that typing these final words feels as though a burden has been lifted, but that would be a lie. I won't lie to you. I won't pretend to have some major nonexistent epiphany, nor can I promise that what I write will enlighten you. Take what you will from my words, and beyond that enjoy life (it's way too short to approach it any other way.) 

Goodnight...

with love,

savannah smiles